Without an Ounce of Truth

The Tijuana Zebra

2012-03-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

Equiferus Arcus Pluvius

A Tijuana Zebra was enjoying a warm Tijuana afternoon, resting his painted rump on a wooden fence, swishing away the Tijuana flies.

"I may just be a donkey painted to look like an African horse for the touristas," said the donkey. "But life is pretty good."

The flies agreed as they buzzed around his rump.

Somewhere, in the distance, a piñata met an untimely end to the delight of some Tijuana children.

Such is life. In Tijuana.

Kurt Vonnegut's Short Story Criteria

2012-02-29T11:41:00.000-05:00

Flannery O'Connor broke every one of these rules, except the first:

Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.
Start as close to the end as possible.
Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Toronto Transit

2012-02-21T21:39:00.003-05:00

The transit lines are the arteries and veins from and back to the heart of the metropolis.

We, the daily commuters, are the blood flowing through the transit system, bringing life to the city.

"Ford Nation" is bad cholesterol. The city is going to die of a heart attack.

are eye pea

Deep Thoughts

2012-02-18T14:45:00.001-05:00

Sometimes

I like to spend a quiet weekend at home

with just my thoughts for company.

***

Chris's brain: "Who, me? ...uh? ...hm ...pizza? beer? skyrim!"

Song of Fire & Ice/Harry Potter/LOTR/Wheel of Time

2012-02-18T14:23:00.000-05:00

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion the Imp was by far the best casting in any adaptation

Book first? Movie first?

The problem with adaptations is that whatever medium you're exposed to first, you're more inclined to take that version as canon. This happened to me with the Harry Potter series. I read all the books before I watched the movies and I felt that the silver screen adaptations of the characters were inferior to the ones I had imagined when reading the novels.

On the other hand, I felt obligated to read Game of Thrones, the first book in the Song of Fire and Ice series after watching the first season of the series. Going the novel, I felt as if I had read each chapter already since the television adaptation was so unbelievably faithful to the material. It was almost tedious.

Lord of the Rings is probably the only series where I didn't have this issue. The movies cut out all the stuff I disliked from the three novels and if I wasn't used to the casting choices initially, I got over by the credits because the movies are just so long. Less elvish singing, more random action. Liberties were taken with the source material but I'm not enough of a fanboy to cry out "non-canon! continuity! boo!"

Powering through fantasy novels is a fun escape because I'm a huge nerd but there is one thing I've notice in all series: They love to describe food. They can't get enough of it! Plot changing battles can last half a page but get them on what's on the dinner plate and they'lll wax on for half the novel given the chance.

Which is why I disliked the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. Just not enough food imagery.

The Scale of the Universe 2

2012-02-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

I've not only taught myself how to embed flash in my blog, I've also purloined an awesome sliding scale of size to give the perspective of the vastness/minuteness of the universe - Learning IS fun!

Stolen from HERE

I dislike reposting other people's hard work but I really enjoyed this and felt it had to be shared.

Trainspotting from Ottawa to Toronto

2012-02-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

also... Random Train Movie With Nataly

Maneki Neko

2012-02-08T00:12:00.002-05:00

"Meeeeeeew!"

A wealthy lord sought shelter from a storm under a dogwood tree while visiting the Gotoku-ji temple in Edo, Japan. A cat that lived at the temple came up to the lord as he sat under the tree and mewed loudly. The lord kicked at the cat with his foot but the cat nipped out of reached and mewed again, louder this time. The irritated lord raised his walking stick to smack the cat but the cat again jumped out of the way and mewed even louder. The Lord got up from under the tree to give the cat chase and as he ran after the cat, it ran into the temple. As he followed her inside, the dogwood tree he had been sitting under was struck by lightening and split into a thousand pieces. The cat disappeared.

The lord took a piece of the dogwood and carved the maneki neko in the likeness of the cat and placed it at the entrance of his home.

***

Maneki Neko - while colloquially know as chinese money cats - actually come from Japan. It's a common mistake that they're originally Chinese. In feudal japan, owning or harming cats was illegal and they were considered necessary to protect silk worm crops from rats and mice and cat roamed unfettered. The raised paw gesture has different means in different areas - most commonly that the left asks for money and the right protects it. The raised left paw also can represent the ability to hold one's liquor.

William Thomas Riker

2012-01-29T00:05:00.001-05:00

Riker with the beard

lusty starship commander

Imzadi of Troi

You Are Sleeping

2012-01-28T23:45:00.003-05:00

"No scratch.... no snatch."

March of the Penguins

2012-01-27T21:34:00.003-05:00

the penguins rose up

the birds took to the sidewalks

"stop global warming"

Hark! A Vagrant

2012-01-27T21:32:00.000-05:00

Nataly gave me this collection from Hark! A Vagrant by Kate Beaton. Its a collection of cute comics that lampoon history, literature and pop culture. The art is cute and clever, the humor dry and witty, and not above the the occasion sexy batman joke. Its brilliant.

Brilliant!

Pokemon Frustration

2012-01-26T16:28:00.003-05:00

Things to do:

jailbreak iPhone
download Gameboy emulator
download Pokemon roms
game furiously
get angry at Gary Oak
reset iPhone back to factory setting
sulk

Geek Attack: Star Wars Uncut - Director's Cut

2012-01-24T07:38:00.001-05:00

Towels - Is there anything they can't be? (*with a little imagination.)

^_^

Some things are better off dead

2011-12-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

New York State has now passed a bill allowing cremated human remains to be interred in pet cemeteries.

A few thousand years from now, future anthropologists excavating burial site of 'colonial' New York will discover that man and beast lived as equals and were sent off to the afterlife in the same mannor.

Or, possibly, that Captain Saucy Whiskers, surrounded by the ashen remains of her servants Mr. and Mrs. Fred and Cindy Walters, was some sort of revered animal deity, who needed their attendance in the next realm.

This, along with the strange architecture left behind by this mysterious civilization known as the Manhattenites, will perplex and befuddle future historians and scholars. It's 2000 B.C. Egypt all over again.

***

Aside: We also know what happens when you start burying animals and humans together... Jud Crandall warned us!

White Tigers

2011-12-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

I had always assumed that white tigers came from Siberia because they're white and Siberia is cold and frozen - adapting to blend in with the snow while they stalked their ultimate prey - snowmobilers.

I was wrong. It's a recessive mutation of a bengal tiger from India - a land not known for it's snowmobiles.

***

One notorious man-eating tigress, known as the Champawat Tigress, killed some 200 men and women before being driven out of Nepal. She moved to another location, this time in India, and continued to kill, bringing her total up to 436 before she was tracked down and killed in 1911. She was known to enter villages, even during daylight, roaring and causing people to flee in panic to their huts.
The Champawat Tigress was extremely cunning, as man-eaters usually are. She was found by Jim Corbett because he followed the trail of blood the tigress left behind after killing her last victim, a 16-year-old girl. Later examination of the tigress showed the upper and lower canine teeth on the right side of her mouth were broken—the upper one in half, the lower one right down to the bone. This permanent injury, Corbett claimed, "had prevented her from killing her natural prey, and had been the cause of her becoming a man-eater."

***

She probably had broken her teeth biting into a snowmobile. They're pretty tough machines. Almost tiger tough.

KPOP Attack

2011-12-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

Min's my favorite.

^_^

Krzysiu's Christmas Adventure

2011-12-18T10:00:00.000-05:00

In the cold month of December, I was accidently locked in a department store with three friends when our parents left us briefly to nip across the street to a midnight madness sale for some last minute christmas shopping.

Picture four eight year olds with their mitts clipped with alligator snaps to their jackets and heads drowned in toques too big for their heads so they're always pushing them out of their eyes as they watch their parents fight of sweaters from sale bins through the locked glass doors of department store. It wasn't too happy a time for me in my one piece snowsuit.

It wasn't like we didn't go unnoticed. Two elderly men in the glass aquarium of the smoking section of the adjacent Tim Horten's saw us through the glass wall and smiled encouragement to us as we gazed sadly out at our parents as they merged with the shopping throngs across the road. They had the cured leather faces that time in a glass boxes drinking cold coffee and smoking cigarette after cigarette makes and they smiled toothy smiles riddled with missing ivories but weren't unsympathetic to our cause. They too had be forgotten by the shopping generation for much too long.

My friends resolved to not become old men in a glass box like our Tim Horten compatriots. Two immediately set off to find another exit or a phone to call for help while the third started staring at a big wheeled tricycle, while I banged on the doors crying for the security guard who was snoozing against the column just out of ear's reach.

My two friends came back unsuccessful long after I was hoarse and exhausted from trying to get the guard's attention. They were angry with our third friend who started cutting up boxes and pulling hangers out of suits. They shoved him for not helping and then went off to try to find a fire alarm that they could get attention with.

I was curious - and exhausted from my barrage on the door - so I went and he asked me to cut packing tape he had found into half foot lengths. It was pretty obvious what he was attempting now: adding wings and a rudder to the big wheel with parts around the store. Our two exploring friends came and scoffed at us for trying to build our little glider but my resilient friend kept working undaunted.

The two went down to the door with lawn chairs and sat waiting for their parents, giving up hope of being free from our department store prison and waited like the two smoking grandparents outside in the Tim Horten's tank. I could see the old geezers were a little saddened by the two kids giving up in defeat like they did.

My friend and I worked hard and fast on our glider. Soon it was shaping up unmistakably like a machine for flight though obviously constructed by two kids with imagination. There was no way that this would hold up in the air. But nonetheless we plugged away on it.

Finished, our two friends laughed as we dragged our big wheel glider up the frozen escalator and positioned it on the two banister between the two flights of escalators facing the entrance of our department store prison. My friend took the cockpit while I stood a fair distance behind the glider.

He shouted as he began to pedal furiously and I ran with all my might and jumped on the glider causing it to slide down the banister of the escalator. We rapidly gained speed and moment as we barrelled down escalator towards a makeshift ramp. We launched ourselves off the ramp as hard as we could.

Suddenly I lost sense of all motion as I expected our little glider to crash down the four feet we had launched ourselves off of... but there was no crash. I saw our shadows as we continued to sail up towards the big bay window above the locked department store doors. My friend kept his eyes shut and was still waiting to crash as he pedal furiously, the big wheel in the front spun without traction in the air.

We were flying.

We kept going faster and faster and suddenly smashed through the bay window to the shock of my two disbelieving friends sitting below who were suddenly rained down small bits of window and banner as we made our escape.

I looked down and saw the two old smokers in the Tim Horten's cheering madly with glee as they leapt from their chairs to watch us sail off into the night. My friend kept his eyes shut still and pedalled his heart out as we drifted silently along over the shopping frenzy of our parents in the department store across the street.

Over the mall, we flew. Up into the cold night air, wind biting at our faces in oversized toques and hands in mitts alligator clipped to our snowsuits. The black sky stretched overhead, punctuated by little white stars. My friend still pedalled furiously with his eyes shut as we soared higher and higher.

Finally, we began to descend towards the warm and welcoming setting of our neighbourhood. As the familiar grew closer and closer, we sank till we landed with a slight bump in front of my house with its snowman and white and blue lights christmas lights. My friend opened his eyes and asked me with slight surprise "Oh, it worked?".

We went inside to wait for our parents to come home.

Cantique de Noel

2011-12-14T20:38:00.000-05:00

Of all the Christmas carols, O Holy Night is the one I associate and appreciate with the most. The song is about the birth of Christ and the redemption of mankind - presumably in the final judgement.

The soprano children's voices singing high above the baratone men's choir invokes an image of an angelic host and a sense of seasonal spirituality that stirs emotions within me seldom affected by the commercial Hallmark brand sentiment of modern Christmas consumerism.

Peuple debout ! Chante ta délivrance,

Noël, Noël, chantons le Rédempteur,

Noël, Noël, chantons le Rédempteur !

This song, the smell of pine needles, the hum of electric lights and the unbearable anticipation of childhood greed for the morning to come are my christmas memories.

Kung Fu Films 102: Chen Zhen

2011-12-06T21:59:00.001-05:00

Huo Yuanjia - a cofounder of the Chin Woo Athletic Association - died under suspicious circumstances, with popular speculation that he was poisoned by Japanese conspirators living in Shanghai. Because of his national popularity in defeating foreigners in public martial arts competitions, and his association with the Chin Woo A.A., he rose into folk hero status and a mythos grew about his life and demise.

The task of avenging the defender of Chinese national pride and martial arts status would fall to Chen Zhen - a fictional martial arts hero and brain child of Ni Kuang, screen writer/novelist.

***

Bruce Lee first debuted Chen Zhen in the 1972 film Fist of Fury - Chen Zhen returning home to find his master murdered and the honor of China insulted by the Japanese occupying Shanghai. This movie is the definitive Bruce Lee film. His trademark flexing, speedy attacks and bizarre 'yips' feature prominently.

Jet Li played Chen Zhen in the 1994 remake Fist of Legend. Jet Li doesn't try to be the cool and mysterious Bruce Lee, playing his version of Chen Zhen as a brooding, intense young man. The marital arts choreography of Fist of Legend by Yuen Woo-ping brought Jet Li to international attention. There is fanboy debate over which film, the remake or the original has better fighting.

Donny Yen payed homage to Bruce Lee in a 2010 less-than-stellar sequel, Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen. Though he lacks the charisma of Bruce Lee and the intensity of Jet Li, Donny Yen is a strong lead who, in a final battle against - you guessed it - a Japanese official, summons his inner powers and does his strongest impression of Bruce Lee yet. The movie is a love letter to Bruce Lee, and it's enjoyable but not on the same level of martial arts cinema as Fist of Fury and Fist of Legend.

***

The common theme of these movies is a hero returning home to avenge his master and restore honor to a besmirched Chinese nationalism:

"Sick Man of Asia"

Bruce Lee, Jet Li and Donny Yen as Chen Zhen fight valiantly against foreign invaders to prove that Chinese martial arts is the strongest.

^_^

He kept one in his hat!

2011-12-06T21:12:00.001-05:00

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln, President, Emancipator, and Feline Philosopher.

Ursidae Comfortus

2011-12-06T18:43:00.001-05:00

‎"There, there," said the bear, "life's not fair but I still care."

Drive

2011-12-03T10:03:00.000-05:00

More people should wear gold scorpion jackets.

Roadtripping

2011-12-03T09:27:00.001-05:00

When driving, she who can reach the stereo is queen of the car.

Camo & Krooked - James Bond Theme (OFFICIAL REWORK) by Camo & Krooked

Alex's Parkdale Housewarming

2011-12-01T19:47:00.001-05:00

After moving to Toronto and getting mugged, I decided that it would be better to live with someone rather than alone so I moved out of my tiny basement bachelor shoebox into a relatively nicer first floor of a house at Ossington and Bloor with my friend Melanie.

After a brief while of enjoyable cohabitation, Melanie decided that she was going to fall in love and move out with her boyfriend - later husband - David, so I was left in a lurch, looking for a roommate. Not so fortunate for him but incredibly lucky for me, Alex was also looking for a new place to live after breaking up with his girlfriend.

So Alex moved in with me. We had a great summer of boys being boys with beer. A lot of beer. Vast oceans of beer.

Then the owner of the Ossington house we were renting decided he was sick of having boozy tenants and was going to sell so we had to move. We found an apartment in Parkdale and moved on down to the lower west side.

True to form, we had a bit of boozy housewarming which ended up with us passing out in our respective rooms. However, Alex somehow managed to pulled his curtain rod down onto his head in his sleep, cutting a nasty gash into his forehead.

Soused, stunned and upset, Alex decided he didn't want to sleep in that room anymore and came into mine and passed out, bloody face first into my laundry pile on one side of my bed. I was still passed out on the other, less cluttered side.

I woke up, cotton-mouthed and extremely hungover, to a peaceful Alex snoring contentedly beside me, bleeding slightly into my favorite hoody.

Neither of us had any idea how he or the injury had happened. It took a couple litres of coffee and some serious sleuthing to piece together the picture of how he ended up in my bed.

That set the standard for our mischef and misdeeds in Parkdale together, my Adventures with Alex...

Alex proudly displays his housewarming wound

New Site Design + Stegosauruses

2011-11-30T18:33:00.001-05:00

Nataly Kim has designed a nifty title for Without an Ounce of Truth featuring dragons, robots and wizards.

Here she is riding a dinosaur. It's not a stegosaurus - clearly seen in the background - but she's pretty awesome anyways.

The internet and I both agree that the stegosaurus is a pretty darn cool dinosaur, even if Nataly doesn't want to ride one in a park on a cool autumn afternoon.

Thanks, Nataly! <3

Wisdom in the Lotus Pond

2011-11-28T15:55:00.001-05:00

The lotus blossoms in July, so the other day I took a trip - something of an annual pilgrimage of sorts - to a provincial park famous for its sea of pink lotuses. I go there every summer and just saunter around the huge pond for half a day or so and then return.

The rainy season had already begun and when I arrived it was drizzling and the park was deserted. With umbrella in hand, I stood on the footbridge in the center of the pond, inhaling the mystical fragrance and watching the raindrops fall on the large green lotus pads. As it began to rain harder, it was interesting to observe that what seemed like large raindrops falling in front of my eyes looked more like tiny grains of millet once they landed on the pads.

Then I noticed something else.

The raindrops would collect into little transparent crystal pools on the pads. As more raindrops fell, the pools became larger and heavier, and the pads began to roll the pools around on their surfaces. When these little crystal pools grew to a certain size and weight, the pads unhesitatingly dropped them down onto the other pads below. Those pads in turn rolled the pools around until they were too big and heavy, whence they just rolled them off and down into the pond.

I watched this process rather indifferently until I realized what was going on, and then I marvelled at the wisdom to be found in the lotus pond. The pads held what they could until it became too much for them, and then they freed themselves of their burdens. If they didn't and, out of greed, tried to hold as many raindrops as possible, then either the pads would tear or their stems would break from the weight.

- Bopjong, Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall

***

Lotus ponds are also mosquito-central. <slap>

- Nataly, Bug-bitten

Where's Waldo

2011-11-28T11:53:00.001-05:00

Felis catus domestica is the animal definition of ridiculousness. That doesn't even look comfortable. You are just plain ridiculous, felis catus domestica.

Haiku for Lady Vengeance

2011-11-27T14:30:00.001-05:00

red eyeshadow girl

thirteen years plotting revenge

eats cake, not tofu

KPOP Attack

2011-11-26T09:55:00.000-05:00

oh oh-oh oh.

Divine Right

2011-11-20T19:54:00.001-05:00

"The reign of kings is from Me, says Eternal Wisdom; and from this we may conclude that not only the rights of royalty are established by His laws, but also the choice of individual to occupy the throne is a result of His providence.

And He chose Mr. Swiggles."

- Jacques-Bénigne Bossuet (September 27, 1627 – April 12, 1704), Theologian, Bishop, and Cat Enthusiast.

Persephone

2011-11-20T01:01:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, the King of the Winds fell in love the Queen of the Vegetables. After a whirlwind romance, the king and queen had a baby that they named Cabbage. Worried at what the other spirits would think of this torrid affair, the King of Winds secreted poor Cabbage away in a cave, where she grew up spicy and strong willed. One day, she escaped her cavern confines and returned home.The queen recognized this woman as her daughter Cabbage, but after years of spicy resentment from being hidden away, Cabbage had taken a new name: Kimchi.The King of the Winds tried to stop Kimchi, but she had inherited all his powers along with all the tastiness of the Queen of the Vegetables, and the years of spicy anger from being in the cave only enhanced her might!"I am Princess Kimchi, who has the deliciousness of vegetables but with the power of wind!" She cried and claimed her rightful place on the throne.And this all happened in Korea, like last week. True story!

(I wrote this story on the toilet with an iPad on Nataly's Facebook wall, I'm sorry.)

Krzysiu - Wisdom teeth = Shark's breath

2011-11-19T18:59:00.001-05:00

The taste of blood is coppery and bitter.

Blood is strong and not quite pleasant a taste but also familiar as it mixes with saliva across my tongue. I can feel the stitching of my gums seep slowly as I work my jaw tenderly. I've yet to explore the back recesses of my mouth with my tongue for fear of provoking some response.

My breath is terrible. It's rotten flesh and stale air that smells like putrid meat. I can smell it on myself and it's nauseating. It invokes images of decay and atrophy and carrion.

Tomorrow I'll flush out the pits in my jawbone with salty warm water and give the whole mouth a good scouring. Tonight, I have shark's breath... <<HAAAAA!>>

Someone watched Munich... by KrzysiuRocks

KPOP Attack

2011-11-14T18:56:00.000-05:00

^_^

Know Your Griffins

2011-11-13T18:37:00.001-05:00

***

A griffin is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the wings and legs of an eagle - denoting courage, boldness and fealty. They were reputed to be the king of beasts in medieval times.

***

A griffon is old world vulture, a large predatory scavenger bird that predominates habits southern Europe, northern Africa and some of Asia. They are reputed to be delicious.

***

A griffon is a smelly little belgian dog species originally bred for hunting and are characterized by their stupid Ewok-like faces. They are also reputed to be delicious.

***

Mustachios

2011-11-13T17:02:00.001-05:00

I've donated my upper lip for cancer research fund raising via Movember: Please donate to my continuing embarrassment! It's for a good cause and I am much chagrined by my lack of ability to grow a proper lip rug.

Christachio

Kung Fu Films 101: Drunken Boxing

2011-11-13T14:15:00.000-05:00

Drunken Master II

Wong Fei Hung (1847-1924) was a Chinese martial artist who practiced Hung Gar kung fu - specifically his "shadowless kick" technique - which made him a folk hero.

Anita Mui (1962-2003) was considered the "Madonna of Asia" and was a canton pop superstar before succumbing to cervical cancer.

Jackie Chan (1954 - ) made this awesome fight scene, playing Wong Fei Hung being encouraged to get drunk and use drunken boxing to defeat this hoods by his mother (Anita Mui).

Krzysiu enjoys a slice of sad cake

2011-11-13T13:41:00.001-05:00

I find my depression completely indulgent. I secretly like being sad sometimes.

There is so much I could do to combat the blasé that comes with seasonal affective disorder. Supplement my diet with vitamins and exercise more. Use those artificial sunlight bulbs to increase my daylight exposure. Read a book or go for a walk.

But no, I selfishly choose to sit on the couch all day and night, eating junk food and watching kung fu movies.

It feels great to wallow every once in a while - be selfish and have a pity party for one. "*Harumph!* I don't wanna...! No!"

These gloomy feelings are like rich and indulgent cake.

Nataly loves Watermelons

2011-11-05T13:27:00.000-04:00

Nataly's Watermelon by KrzysiuRocks

Corporate Logos

2011-11-03T23:45:00.002-04:00

China & Germany in the pursuit of better appliances and ice cream!

"Haier Group (海尔) is amultinational consumer electronics and home appliances company headquartered in Qingdao, Shandong, People's Republic of China. Its products include air conditioners, mobile phones, computers, microwave ovens, washing machines, refrigerators, and televisions. In 2010 the Haier brand had the world's largest market share in white goods, with 6.1 per cent,"

* * *

When visiting the Republic of China, I noticed this logo on the appliances of my friends apartment. There is something that struck me as unusual about a mexican boy and an albino Atom eating ice-cream on an appliance. I though they had stuck these stickers everywhere but it turned out it came with the appliances. Strange.

Even weirder is that Joe - the friend - calms his crying infant daughter by pointing out these two little amigos on the fridge or water heater. It works, she calms down immediately when spotting the logo. She finds this multiculturalism soothing or comforting or something - I don't understand babies very well.

I also don't understand chinese corporate culture either... this Deigo-from-Dora-the-Explorer looking logo doesn't make sense!!

But if it stops a baby from crying - awesome!

* * *

走 Diego, 走!

.

KPOP Attack

2011-11-03T23:12:00.002-04:00

^_^

Naega jeil jal naga....

Ostriches are curious people

2011-10-23T18:57:00.002-04:00

I am one of those people who can't help but be interested.

Overhear something interesting in a crowd and I can't help but lean in closer to get more out of it. I'll also stare absentmindedly at something if it catches my fancy. I'll twist my head around awkwardly and very obviously when I see someone or something passing by.

I don't care if people find it rude. I don't care what people think of me. They can't ruffle my feathers.

You see, I'm an ostrich.

Ostriches just can't help being curious.

Wispy Eyebrows

2011-10-22T21:36:00.000-04:00

Two things have happened as I've aged some what gracefully: my tolerance for alcohol has decreased while my eyebrows have become increasingly wizard-like.

There is probably a scientific correlation between the two but I've not the time or the resources to investigate. I'm down two cans of lager with a brutal daytime hangover and the decision that my eyebrows are far too wizard-like to be to be tolerated.

Tweezers, ho!

The years are creeping up on me. I've noticed other things: I don't enjoy the popular kids music as much as I used to, the price of things have increased to my chagrin, the internet is used for other things than pornography.

My head is absolutely splitting from those two cans of Amsterdam. I'm staring intently at my eyebrows, a shaking hand trying to tweeze out the wizard whiskers across my forehead.

Miss, miss, miss, miss... Ug, no more afternoon drinking. I manage to grasp one feebly in my tweezers and yank as hard as possible. The hair slips out of the metal prongs and curls even more prominently onto my face.

I raise the tweezers to my face to try again and a spark leaps from my face onto them, shocking them out of my hand into the toilet. Gone forever.

What the hell! My eyebrows are twisting like hydras, perturbed at my assault. They curl and knot themselves above my eyes, jutting defiantly from my face in spite of me.

I attempt to comb them down into manageable caterpillars with water and elbow grease but they rise and curl even more defiantly.

I should probably have a third beer. If that doesn't weaken them, it'll just weaken my resolve to care about them.

It probably won't do anything to better this headache. Amsterdam, you're a city of bicycle thief and liberal socialism but you're namesake beer is awful.

All most as awful as my wizard eyebrows.

***

An aside: This image of some girl recreating Jamie Cheung's character in Sucker Punch - alright movie, but not good as Ghostbusters - was the most reoccurring Google Search image when I looked for an example of wizard eyebrows.

She's no wizard.

Sim Seduction

2011-10-21T00:05:00.001-04:00

"Why won't she get off the computer?!"

Internet addiction is tearing this home apart!

We've discovered the Sims Social app on Facebook and are completely absorbed in the micromanaging of a fictional little avatar in his daily interaction with other players' little avatars and the monotony of maintaining a small apartment.

I'll admit this is mostly my fault. I was the one who initiated the game, feeling a need for a half an hour of distraction. It's amazing how much time you spend clicking on things in the environment and how little you have to show for it. It's mind-numbing but at the same time completely engrossing. "What does this do? Oh wow, it spat out money and stars at me! Fun!"

I feel this is becoming a bit of a domestic issue. Nataly has spent the past two hours reorganizing her virtual apartment. I'm listening to the cheery staccato strings of her game, envious she still has 15 points of energy left to interact with her environment.

I'm out. I have to wait five minutes for a point of energy to return so I can complete a mission. How she lords her energy over me, as she adds rooms to her small virtual bungalow.

I seethe with jealousy.

Sims brings out the worst in me.

A haiku to Dr. Pepper

2011-10-20T23:27:00.001-04:00

Cool refreshing drink

cherry cola beverage

I'm a pepper too.

Suddenly Spocks Everywhere!

2011-10-17T21:58:00.000-04:00

Zachary Quinto has casually announced he's gay.

I know him best as the most current actor to portray Spock, the science officer from Star Trek (2010).

But he's not the only Spock who's caught my eye recently.

In the Atrium at the Eaton Centre in Toronto, a man - very tall and svelte, mid-to-late thirties - was dressed like a Vulcan in a Starfleet uniform. On his belt, he had a plastic cup that said "Tips for Photos" and he was relaxing after a hard day of busking in the street. Being a Star Trek fan is hard work.

As I walked past - staring hard - I heard him tell a mall security guard who was relaxing beside him "Yeah, well, you do what you can to make a living...."

This was surprisingly bitter to me. "Spock" had fallen on rough times. Are people not exploring the universe anymore? This man was clearing not going anywhere boldly.

I was dismayed. Not only had Spock resorted to appearances at local malls, I also didn't have 2 dollars to take a photo with him. We parted without ever meeting but I know on some level, we were the same... two nerds trying to find our place in this life.

It's a hard world out there.... harder still if you're a trekkie.

Smoke if you got'em?

2011-09-30T08:54:00.004-04:00

Recently in South Korea, I asked someone who had recently finished his mandatory two year stint in the military why so many young men smoked. He said that it was because you got cigarette break respites when doing manual labor and if you don't smoke you don't get to pause with the others so lots of young men took up the habit to get lighter work loads.

An American study showed that the industries that have the most smokers are construction, mining and service. It follows the same logic - taking cigarette breaks to get a respite from your work.

I've often been envious of those fifteen minutes when coworkers disappear and come back smelling of stale blue smoke. On the other hand: Cancer.

Science

2011-09-30T08:04:00.000-04:00

Lex I:

Corpus omne perseverare in statu suo quiescendi vel movendi uniformiter in directum, nisi quatenus a viribus impressis cogitur statum illum mutare.

Gentlemen, we've decided that, in the pursuit of science, risks should be taken. Sometimes to explore the unknown, one has to go beyond the boundaries of comfort. I present to you the results of such an experiment that which, insofar as it can be ascertained, the physics of the Sus scrofa domestica reacts exactly the same as a Homo sapiens sapiens when placed in conjunction with an elastomer surface.

For our experiments, we used a common household pig and an industrial grade trampoline.

I feel the results speak for themselves.

Meerkat'ing @ Work

2011-09-30T07:10:00.004-04:00

The professional silence of cubicle land in the early morning is shattered by an explosion of Metallica and coffee breath - Chris is in the office.

I love the meerkat poke to scan the world outside the half walls of my little work station. A picture of Nataly pinned to the wall constantly reminds me to stop meerkat'ing and buckle down.

So its back to work, nothing outside of my half walls is important today. Friday, got to get this paperwork done so I can enjoy the weekend...

But wait, someone said something two cubicles over? I better investigate, lest it be important!

I stretch my body upwards, craning my neck as far as possible so that my eyes are just above the edge of my cubicle walls. A quick scan of the area for predatory managers before I stretch further out of the protection of my walls. Coast is clear, let's poke out a little further...

"What's going on? Who's doing what? Who wore which?"

Suddenly, the startled shriek of a colleague warns of us of a manager coming through the cubes. We instantly retreat into the safety of our work stations until the danger has passed.

And then one by one, we poke out again.

Vacation

2011-08-31T14:20:00.003-04:00

Follow our vacation adventures in Korea on our tumblr!

The Republic of Korea - the Ottawa of Asia - is widely known for it's smelly cabbage and cheesy over produced popular music. Every one hundred years, Koreans migrate to the coast of the pacific ocean and throw their shoes into the water. The leader, locally known as Big Boss Man, then buys everyone ice cream sandwiches shaped like fish.

It's very exciting to witness the centennial shoe-ocean-fishwich-exchange ceremony.

Dae han min guk!

[clap, clap, clap, clap]

Fauxlaroid Party

2011-08-10T23:05:00.005-04:00

Krzysiu Rocks: Fauxlaroid Party

Pictures taken usually around Krzysiu, usually with an iPhone.
Now with not-so-snappy captions!

I dream of flying - it's a dull, reoccurring dream

2011-08-09T22:19:00.008-04:00

I've had a reoccurring dream since the winter of 2003.

In this dream - a very lucid and realistic fantasy - I board an airplane and put a pair of headphones on and wait quietly for fourteen hours. I listen to James Holden's - Balance 005 disc 2 as the world is a grey-blue smudge below. I look out of small windows as fat white clouds drift lazily by. I eat small round biscuits brought to be by an attractive flight attendant and sip a small-sized can of coke.

I wait patiently for fourteen hours, all seemingly real moments in my dreamworld, until the plane descends into the airport. We land and I emerge unmolested by the usual rigmarole of customs and duties and airport security.

I come out from the airport at the bottom of these stairs leading to a futuristic looking tower or building. I climb the long flight of stairs to the building and enter it to discover it's an airport to take flights home again. I board the airplane for the return flight home.

It's a very anti-climatic dream.

And in twenty-one days, I will try to live the dream and fly to Korea where I will land in Incheon, Seoul. And that place kind've looks exotic and futuristic.

Let's hope I get to explore more of the country.

Nataly, Queen of Meat!

2011-08-07T22:45:00.001-04:00

♥ Nataly is the Queen of Meat! ♥

Yet another year of ESL - pt. 2

2011-08-07T21:54:00.006-04:00

"Where the summer go?"

"It's over?"

"Well, almost, where were you?"

"Working! I've been all over the place, working two jobs full time. I can't believe I missed the summer again!"

"You do this every year. What's so important that you have to work so much?"

"Money. I love it and can't get enough of it."

"Ah, true say."

"Chris, who are you talking to in the bathroom." - Nataly calls from the kitchen.

"No one! Myself!"

"Yeah, he's sort've nuts from working too hard."

"Well, both of you shut up." - Nataly replies and goes about her business.

"Well, harumph."

"True say."

***

First and foremost when accepting this award for a successfully completed summer I would like to thank Nataly Kim for her continual support during my attempts of working 100+ hour work weeks, my smelly feet and my exhausted collapses into bed beside her at all sorts of ungodly hours.

Secondly, I would like to both the staff of Mediacom for tolerating my zombie'd mornings and the International House employees for putting up with my weary old man rants.

Finally, I would like thank the students for sharing their adventures with me.

Every year I saw, never again. I said it this year but we all know I'd jump back into the fray in a heartbeat!

"GO TEAM!"

Alberta suffers writer's block

2011-07-27T13:11:00.008-04:00

Suffering writer's block, Alberta went downstairs to the cafe below her apartment complex, telling herself that the night's air and a cup of coffee would stimulate her creative juices.

She took a booth to herself by the window facing the street, the cars drifting by, reflecting their headlights in the puddles of the rain from earlier in the evening.

The night air was fresh and cool after the rain. It felt refreshingly cold against her skin while the coffee felt hot in her belly.

Alberta decided to slip off her shoes. She wiggled her toes against the linoleum of the floor, drawing lines in the circles left by her coffee mug upon the formica tabletop with a spoon. Her large toe snagged a corner where an edge of the linoleum had become unglued and curled upwards. She dug his toe further into the flooring.

She stretched out her arms above her head, reaching as far as possible. Her toes pushed further under the flooring, searching downwards while her arms brushed the ceiling above.

She pushed in both directions, her feet penetrating the layers of wood and cement below the linoleum. her hands pressed against the foam-board tiles in the ceiling.

She pushed further, feeling her toes reach the dark soil below the building, her hands pressed upward until they pushed through the foam, wood and shingles of the ceiling into the night sky.

Alberta yawned. She would try to finish his writing tomorrow. Tonight, she'd be a tree.

***

Christian had trouble writing in his blog. He stretched his feet out under his desk, catching his toe on a corner of upturned linoleum.

Algorithms, nature and the future!

2011-07-21T17:07:00.002-04:00

Deep (www.haloeight.com) posted this fascinating lecture!

IRL vs. Digital Identity - WITH PICS!

2011-07-19T21:03:00.009-04:00

Nataly & Martha - Wizards

EDITOR'S NOTE:

I have to apologize in advance. This post began as a commentary about my internet addiction and how I feel disconnected from reality without regular updates from social media platforms but it instantly spiraled into me whining about being too busy and too tired. That is not really the case, I am just lazy and have been ignoring my blog because I haven't had a good topic to write about. Also, I sprinkled too many photos in this entry... I'm sorry, it won't happen again!

On to the post the actual post! The bloggy, journalistic, dear diary entry of "Without an Ounce of Truth" that will push at least four of the six regular readers away. My dear Six, I apologize:

Ahoy, Sushi boat! Set sail for fishy breath, yarr!

"Carbon foot print, Chris." - Victor

"I'm more worried about my digital footprint!" - Chris

Google+ has been released and the internet is all a fluttery with social media-related banter. And being an iPhone owner and blogger, I signed up for the service immediately.

Then I ignored the internet.

Chris - Exhausted

Life has a funny way of getting in the way of my cyber-procrastination. Attempting to work two full time jobs has kept me on the verge of exhaustion and mental collapse. I'm rushing around the city, trying to maintain a semblance of professionalism but with little success.

I didn't charge my phone and lost my connection with the great reality. I lost the internet.

My digital presence faded away as I slugged it out in the offices and then chasing after foreign teenagers. Facebook went ignored, RSS feeds unread, twitter abandoned.

ESL Students Cyrielle and Nahoko

Joe & his daughter Ellie

I feel guilty. I'll make it up to you, internet. You've been so good to me.

Nataly enjoys a cool beer on a hot summer night

Star Wars saved Niagara

2011-07-09T21:57:00.004-04:00

One of the activities we do every year with the ESL students is take them by bus to Niagara. They ride the Maid of the Mist and explore the gaudy downtown strips of the city and take loads of photos. It is usually a highlight of their visit to Canada. I've been to the waterfalls too many times to get excited but it's fun to share in their adventure.

This weekend, everything that could go wrong did. We were scrambling all over to sort things out to make this trip to Niagara a success. I was frantic and stressed out, being too tired and hungry to bother with nonsense. I was decidedly cranky.

Grumbling and looking for something to eat, the coworkers and I stumbled into a comic convention. Dressed up out front were characters from Star Wars!

Instantly, my mood shifted from anger to geek-glee!

* I have an unhealthy fascination with both Star Trek and Star Wars. I eat it up and yet it's never helped me in life to know the technical specs of fictional spacecrafts.

Nataly reacts to our amenities

2011-07-05T21:51:00.003-04:00

One bbq for the entire building? Colour Nataly unimpressed.

Joe visits Toronto

2011-07-05T20:27:00.006-04:00

As I grow older and older, the opportunities to visit with my friends grow fewer as realities and priorities change. We've been settling down, moving away, toiling away at life to provide for our newly found "middle-aged-dom".

My friend Joe has come back to Toronto from Qingdoa, China with his wife and new daughter. He's in for one night only and I have to work both days but I am determined to squeeze as much fun as I can out of our short time together.

As the opportunities to see each other grow more infrequent, we have to make sure the time spent with loved ones counts.

How depressing and demanding being an adult is.

Yet another year of ESL

2011-06-25T14:43:00.005-04:00

At the end of every program, I always say to myself "never again" but somehow, the following year, I find myself signing up for another term.

Each summer program is a hectic chase after teenagers with poor English and more money than they could ever know what to do with that leaves me collapsed in exhausted pile of bones, churlish and disillusioned.

And I love doing it. Love it.

Even the awful yellow staff shirts. (*2010 version pictured)

Flemish Emotions

2011-06-25T13:38:00.002-04:00

The Belgians really know how to tug at the heartstrings using Kings of Leon.

Use Somebody from inti calfat on Vimeo.

Mob Mentality in Christie Pits

2011-06-25T10:07:00.005-04:00

Another eventful evening in Koreatown!

We were having a few after work beers in the park yesterday evening when we spotted a gang of teens carrying a two-four over the basketball courts! There were about twenty of them, between the ages of 14-20, by quick estimation.

We ignored them, being engrossed in our own consumption of booze but as our evening was wrapping up, they migrated en mass all at once, surrounding us and peppering us with questions like "Do you have any more beer? Do you have iPhones? Do you have cigarettes?"

The atmosphere was very tense as we refused their demands. I was on the phone with a friend and they made me show them who I was talking to. They assumed it was the police even though they saw it was not and whistled to skedaddle. While going, they managed to grab Alex's cigarettes and we all uprooted pretty darn quickly, regrouping a few meters away as they moseyed along to their next victims of the evening.

It's funny but I am sure if we had been sitting on the edge of the hills that make up the park, we'd have been unmolested all evening, but since we chose to sit right down in the heart of the park, we were prime targets for their badgering.

Also, if it had been any less of a number of kids, say five or even ten, they wouldn't have had that mob-courage to be so forthcoming with their arrogance.

It made me feel old.

"Damn kids today!"

Nataly the Dragonboater

2011-06-23T22:40:00.004-04:00

Nataly has entered the 23rd Toronto International Dragon Boat Race Festival.

She's already won a silver medal in a race in Pickering. Please come out to Toronto Island Saturday and support her unfortunately named team, the "Paddlebears."

I don't actually have a photo of her dragon-boating so I'll just post one of her eating. It's the next best thing and she's always bringing home the gold in chowin' down!

Go! Go! Go! Nataly-Fighting!

Stephen and the butt cake

2011-06-23T18:14:00.002-04:00

^_^

Dungeons & Dragons

2011-06-23T18:06:00.002-04:00

Tyler recently invited me to play in a session of Dungeons & Dragons.

I've not played since university so naturally I leapt at the opportunity. I ran out and bought the latest editions of the player's handbooks and poured over them. As a geeky teenager, I loved the collective storytelling between four or five nerds punctuated with the clatter of dice.

There seems to be a problem though. A hiccup: Life.

It's hard to coordinate a gathering to get the game started. Work has become a priority over raids into the goblin fortresses of the western foothills. Academia took precedent over slaying the liches of the catacombs beneath the ruined castle.

Is this being mature? Does growing older mean you can't find the time to wax poetic on the exploits of dwarves and elves?

God, I hope not. I'm going to *make* the time.

Tuesdays mean kimchi stew

2011-06-21T20:40:00.007-04:00

One of the things that came out of my time spent working in the service industry is my regular Tuesday kimchi stew date with Linda. We each get a bowl of stew and split a skillet of bulgogi and gossip over deliciously spicy food.

At Buk Chang Dong Soon Tofu, they bring you out this steaming hot stone bowl of stew. You crack a raw egg and mix it in, the bubbling broth cooking it. The ban chan is always the same, kimchi radish, kimchi cabbage, bean sprouts in sesame oil and dark beans in a thick sweet sauce.

Down the street is P.A.T., the korean grocery store. I swung by after eating today to try something new. I picked up this korean carbonated beverage called "Milkis". It's very sweet and milky - go figure - but not unpleasant tasting. It tastes a little bit like a cloudy sprite.

All of this is just adding to the excitement and anticipation of my trip to Korea in the fall. In seventy-one days, I'm boarding a plane bound for the tastes of Seoul! I'm counting the seconds!

Views from the balcony

2011-06-09T17:03:00.004-04:00

I was productive in the land of Ikea. Armed with an allen key, I brought forth patio furniture worthy of a king's - uh - patio.

I'm proud of my labours.

I could spend an eternity out here. The world unfolds beneath me, fanning out beyond my balcony until it meets the blue sky . Just beyond the Gardner Expressway which passes right beside my condo complex. The universe is as far as I can see. A universe of about 300 meters!

That's big enough for me right now.

The Spider and the Barfly

2011-06-08T19:47:00.004-04:00

"I was drinking at the pub one night when the hottest number caught my eye. She was sitting alone at a table, nursing a drink... all chrome and flashing lights... I had to walk up and introduce myself."

Freddy and His Nana

2011-06-08T19:27:00.002-04:00

Freddy did not like his new adoptive parents one bit. His step-daddy was a strict and cold man while his step-mommy squawked and shrieked about every little thing Freddy did. He missed his real mommy and daddy so very much.

Every chance he got, he went and visited his Nana in her old house. Nana was his mommy's mommy and the only living relative he had but she was much too old and sick to take care of a young and energetic young boy like Freddy so he had to stay with his cruel step-parents.

One day after being screamed at his step-mommy for walking up the stairs too loudly and then told to go outside in the cold winter air by his step-daddy, Freddy ran over to his Nana's house.

She lived in a very small, single room beside the bridge where the trains crossed the river. Over her lift time, she had developed the habit of taking things and keeping them even when she didn't need them and she had filled the little room with piles upon piles of stuff. Some things were fascinating, somethings were shiny, and Freddy liked to explore each pile to see what she had kept.

But today, Freddy wasn't in the mood to explore her treasures... his missed his real mommy and daddy too much. Nana, clever in her frail age, saw how sad Freddy's heart was and asked him what the matter was.

"I hate them," Freddy cried. "They rule my life and are wicked and mean to me. I have nothing of my real parents to keep cause these cruel people take everything away from me!"

"That's not true," Nana sighed as she shuffled to her mantle between piles of old newspapers and tables covered in lighters and figures. Her fireplace had a big wooden shelf across the top of it, and on it were crammed a lot of silver picture frames covered in a thick layer of dust except for one photograph, it's silver frame had discolored from repeated handling.

"Come here, Freddy. Look at this picture with me." Freddy knew which photograph it was, Nana looked at his parents wedding photo at least twice a day.

In the photo stood a handsome man and beautiful woman who were incredibly happy and in love. Freddy gazed down on the young couple so very much in love and longed to know what they were like as his parents.

Nana handed Freddy a mirror from one her tables. "Do you see what your parents gave you?"

Freddy looked in the mirror. He couldn't see anything they left him, just a sad little boy who missed his parent.

"Freddy, every time I look at you, I see them. Whenever I miss them, I just need to look at you, Freddy." Nana, hugged Freddy close and then held him a little at length to study him.

"You have your father's eyes and your mother's cheeks and mouth. Freddy. You're made up of all the parts of them and their love. Even with nothing worldly left behind for you, they left something behind and no one can take it away from you."

Freddy looked again at the photo and the mirror. It was true, he did look a lot like his mommy and daddy. He saw how when he smiled, he looked just like them on their wedding day.

Nana hugged Freddy close again and Freddy hugged her back.

...

Then she ate his face... for you see, Nana was a xenomorph!

What do you think about when you're eating breakfast?

2011-06-08T19:14:00.002-04:00

If you're reading this, our ship - The Hashbrown - has been destroyed. This is the final transmission of Salty McGrease, Flavourship Captain in the Interglalactic Association of Breakfast Foods.

Our mission was to investigate the disappearance of The McBiscuit, a research ship collecting data at the edge of the spacial anomoly known as The Maw. They were supposed to keep a safe distance, but somehow were drawn into maelstrom of destruction. We followed, keeping a further distance than the research ship but forces undetected drew us too into the eye of chaos.

Now it seems The Hashbrown will suffer a fate similar to that of The McBiscuit. Taste-sensors indicate flotsom from the destroyed research ship drifting about us as we're continually pelted with the destructive forces of The Maw. We could detect no lifesigns, no survivors.

Lifesupport is failing. Sheilds are buckling. The end is near.

If this message gets out, please send my love to my beautiful wife, Ketchup, and my two wonderful children, Extra and Value.

The Clone Wars

2011-04-20T00:17:00.003-04:00

I'm watching The Clone Wars cartoon.

Star Wars will always have a special place in my heart.

*but Star Trek is still better.

Akira: Sulu vs. Hollywood

2011-04-19T22:36:00.006-04:00

George Takei has spoken out on his twitter about the unnecessary whitewashing of roles originated by Asian characters in the life action adaptation of the manga Akira.

This isn't the first time Hollywood's racial insensitivity has become blatantly apparent. From Yul Brenner playing the king of Siam in The King and I to the casting of Caucasians in clearly Asian and Inuit inspired character roles in The Last Airbender, the silver screen has repeatedly marginalized Asian actors in America.

One of the first movies I can remember enjoying was a rather cheesy action film, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins. It's about this cop who is trained to be an elite assassin by a Korean martial arts. Fred Ward played the eponymous Remo while the Korean "Chiun" was played by Caucasian actor Joel Grey. The movie was terrible at best but I was too young to know better. "Chiun" was the first stereotype I can positively identify.

Frequently, when Asian actors are used in Hollywood productions, their characters are supporting roles. Ethnicity is rarely an issue, having an Asian-American actor play any Asian nationality. A notorious example, not only as a terrible movie but also in a white bastardization of Japanese source material, was Dragonball: Evolution. The main character "Son Goku" (a Japanese characterization of Chinese folk legend character The Monkey King from Journey to the West) was played by Justin Chatwin who was assisted by respected Chinese actor Chow Yun-Fat as a bumbling lecherous Japanese martial arts master Roshi.

I also raised an eyebrow when they cast Korean-American actor John Cho as Japanese character Hikaru Sulu in the reboot of Star Trek until George Takei announced that he was comfortable with the casting choice in the role he originated (as a Japanese-American actor).

The online community has begun a campaign against the practice of casting white actors in Asian character roles. Racebending has targeted Warner Brothers and directors The Hughes Brothers' rewriting of the source material and characters.

I just worry that, like The Last Airbender and Dragonball: Evolution, this new version of Akira will be inferior to the original Japanese manga. It warrants a George Takei "Ooooh myyyyyyy!"

The Astounding Adventures of Captain Nat and M-Chan

2011-04-14T22:34:00.003-04:00

Episode Two - Flumen Subter Supter

Captain Nat and M-Chan lurched forward over the cockpit controls as the aircraft plunged into the river. Water bubbled up through the floor, slowly filling the cockpit, as the now deflated dirigible was swept down the river.

“We have to get on top of this thing!” yelled Captain Nat as she kicked out the windscreen of the cockpit. M-Chan scrambled up onto the canvass pontoons after her. The swift Amazonia currents washed them downstream, the jungle blurring past them as M-Chan tried to get her bearings.

“We were only in the air a few moments. Those natives can’t be too far behind us.”

“No time to worry about that now! Look!” Captain Nat pointed downstream. Rapidly getting closer, were a strange mist. “Waterfalls!”

A large thud, and the airship stalled in the water as it struck a rock.

“Now's our chance!” cried Captain Nat. Hauling off one of the pontoon lashings, she tossed it towards the trees. It snagged a low branch overhanging the water.

With a metallic groan, the aircraft shuddered and began to spin slowly around the rock. M-Chan grabbed the rope and leaped with Captain Nat into the cold green Amazonian water.

Panting and choking, they pulled themselves towards towards the river bank. The swift current constantly tugged at them while the frigid water numbed their muscles.

The airship broke free of the rocks and drifted away. M-Chan looked back over her shoulder and caught a last glimpse as it rolled over the waterfall.

“Don’t stop climbing!” Captain Nat called back to her. We’re almost there- oh!“ and with that rope tugged of the branch and they were swept along after the airship.

Captain Nat and M-Chan clung to the rope, the cold green water rushing over them as they sped toward the waterfall. Both were yelling and screaming but neither could hear each other over the roar of the falls.

For a split second, everything went still, and then M-Chan was free of the river, and falling through the air again into a cloud of mist below. The world rushed past her and then she was plunging back into the green water, noise everywhere.

M-Chan waded out of in a shallow across from the waterfall, surrounded by the broken remains the aircraft. She shook the water from her ears and cried out for Captain Nat.

“Ho, up here!” Captain called from a rock ledge skirting the rim of the lagoon below the waterfall. “This edge runs right behind the waterfall. There seems to be a tunnel going behind the falls!”

“Be right there!” M-Chan grabbed a rocky craig and then paused. “Hey, Captain, did you look at these rocks?”

“No, what’s the delay? Get up here before those natives find us again.” Captain Nat distracted called back.

“Does this look like... teeth?” M-Chan shrank back from the cliff edge into the water.

“What are you talking about?” Captain Nat turned back and looked back at her friend.

M-Chan was withdrawing her hand from the stone mouth carved in the cliff wall. Captain Nat looked closer. The whole wall of the cliff and ledge she was standing on were engraved with huge and horrific grinning monkey faces. Most had be worn away by time and the flowing of water over the falls but there was no mistaking this great gruesome beasts.

Captain Nat looked back at the entrance of cave behind the waterfall. “Come on up. Let’s see where this cave goes.”

Earl the Sex Champion

2011-04-14T22:09:00.006-04:00

Earl Potsowanski has died. The world has lost a miracle in the form of a man.

Earl spent most of his life in his older brother's shadow. People were more interested in Dwayne's academic and athletic achievements than Earl's quiet and unassuming disposition. His parents just shrugged and said Earl was a late bloomer. His teachers always reminded Earl of how much they enjoyed having Dwayne in their classes the years before and the girls always peppered Earl with questions about who Dwayne was currently dating.

Earl did not care. He was who he was and that's all he could be. He was content. Because Earl had a little secret. He was the world's greatest sexual performer. He could do things that would make the authors of the Karma Sutra blush. He was dynamite rolled up in tenderness in a tight package of sexuality. He was the Webster's dictionary's definition of a stud.

But no one knew except Earl. So the world's greatest lover remained a virtual unknown, working as an electrician for a light bulb factory.

RIP Earl Potsowanski - Humble Electrician/Sexual Wunderkind - 1937-2011

Roosevelt Bears

2011-03-29T21:52:00.004-04:00

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt was a short man that over-compensated for his diminutive stature by portraying himself as a cowboy/adventurer and whom eventually became the twenty-fifth president of the United States of America.

While out on a hunting expedition through Mississippi, in yet another attempt to bolster his masculinity, Theodore's party captured an American black bear (Ursus Americanus) and tied it to a tree. They offered Theo the opportunity to finish the beast off but he declined, saying it was unsportsmanlike and that they should kill the bear mercifully. Someone else shot it.

This incident did not go unnoticed by the press, depicted in one of Clifford Berryman's political cartoons in the Washington Post. The cartoon inspired a toy maker to create a small bear cub replication, which he named "Teddy's Bear" - which the President gave his resounding endorsement - and thus was born was the cutie patootie stuffed animal craze.

All thanks to a President obsessed with portraying himself as a macho man!

Belgium, who knew?

2011-03-29T21:34:00.005-04:00

The rest of the world always underestimate the influence of Belgium on the modern world. They've given us the french fry; they're a founding member of the European Union and NATO; and they were the first to explore the lunar surface, a good fifteen years before the American's launched their crude rockets out of the atmosphere.

When Neil Armstrong was getting to first and a half base in high school (under the shirt, over the bra), a plucky young reporter from Belgium was thwarting schemes by Eastern European powers to steal Belgium's atomic power spaceship.

Yes, Belgium really is something!

Cigarettes vs. Candy

2011-03-27T23:00:00.004-04:00

How do people who are perpetually broke always seem to squirrel away ten dollars to pay for cigarettes. Having never smoked a cigarette myself, I admire their ability to save money for their addictions.

I remember a cigarette machine being in the lobby of the small local hospital in the small Ontario town I grew up in. I remember you inserted coins, pulled a plunger for your brand and with a loud bang, the package of cigarettes would be dispensed. The machine was easily accessible to children and long term care patients and anyone who was bored of the out of date magazines in the lobby.

Even as a child, not being able to save money to afford them, even this easily accessible cigarette dispenser was unavailable for me so I never had the opportunity to sneak a cigarette to try.

They also had a candy vending machine that ate most of my spare change and wasn't such a mystery to me. It was not as intriguing as the cigarette machine as I chewed away on Eat More bars.

I might've been more open to saving my money for cigarettes in my small ontario town if they were sold by a cute Japanese dog?

Tolerance and Acceptance

2011-03-27T19:45:00.007-04:00

When my son came home from school one day, crying his eyes out because the other kids were teasing and bullying him, I sat him down, gave him a hot chocolate and told him flat out:

"You're my son and I love you no matter how you decide to live your life. Gay or straight, rich or poor: I love my robot son."

Sucker Punch vs. Ghostbusters

2011-03-27T19:02:00.008-04:00

Whenever I line up to go see a new film at the cinema, I walk in with a prejudicial thought: Is this movie better than Ghostbusters?

Ghostbusters is a great movie. It's got humor, action, romance, and thrills. It is not my favorite movie but it is a good movie to hold as a standard for entertainment.

Sucker Punch is a fun movie but it's no Ghostbusters.

The Little Cloud: An Advertisement

2011-02-23T22:06:00.004-05:00

Nataly Kim illustrated my children's story. You can buy a copy here.

It's a cute explanation of the precipitation cycle.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-

2011-02-23T21:35:00.004-05:00

Modern man has but one predator: Appliance Sharks

With the advent of technology, we've essentially removed ourselves from the animal kingdom, creating a vacuum in the niche where humanity once filled. In a surprising turn of evolution, sharks have bridged that gap, adding an element of danger to mankind's use of household appliances. Refrigerators, desktop computers, and laundry machines are now the feeding grounds for the deadly appliance shark.

Nataly's Haircut

2011-02-23T21:13:00.008-05:00

Nataly refuses to cut her hair. She's mad that I would even suggest such a thing.

Nataly has thick black hair. It's black and shiny and very very long. She is very proud of it and everyone agrees it's very beautiful.

But I worry about Nataly's thick black long hair.

Every night, when we go to bed, she lets her hair down and it flows out over the pillows like a raven spreading it's wings. Everyone agrees it's very beautiful and I can't help but agree.

As we drift to sleep, I feel her hair brush my shoulder. So I flip her locks away from me and roll over.

Then I feel her hair against my back. So I wriggle away from her and tuck myself further under the duvet.

As I finally get comfy, I feel her hair around my wrists. I try to pull away from her.

I try to struggle but it's around my neck. I try to scream for help but her hair is in my mouth, choking me.

I feel her hair all around me, covering me, knotting itself around me and holding me fast.

The next morning, she complains about bed-head.

I say nothing of the terrors her hair cause me at night.

Tonight, I go to sleep with scissors.

The Astounding Adventures of Captain Nat and M-Chan

2011-02-08T22:59:00.002-05:00

Episode One - Silva Incognita

With a loud bump, the dirigible settled on the forest floor. M-Chan peered out the small cabin portholes but the view beyond was obscured by thick green leaves. They had truly come to the most remote part of the world. She heard cursing coming from the gangway.

Captain Nat already had her machete drawn, sliding the blade through the partially ajar door and pushing it further open with her free hand, attempting to break through the thick vines which held the airship’s fast.

“Here, lemme give you a hand with that.” M-Chan leaned into the door with her shoulder. A snap of a vine and the airship opened, flooding them with smell of verdant growth and decay. Captain Nat flung the door wide, opening out into a scene of dense jungle undergrowth.

Thick vines clung to tall trees with thick leaves, blocking out all the sunlight. The ground was covered in lush, wet ferns. Their appearance in the jungles of the Amazonia were greeted with the loud caw-caw-cawing of the macaws and the disgruntled hooting of a family of monkeys from a large fig tree.

“Where have you brought us now?” marveled M-Chan.

Captain Nat strode down the gangplank into the forest clearing. Turning back to her faithful companion, she scrunched up her nose and laughed. “Ho! We’ve really chosen a smelly place to start from, haven’t we? It’s more than a tad ripe!”

“It smells so fresh and wild!” M-Chan agreed. “What should we do now?”

“Well, I think this spot is as good as any to leave the airshi-” Captain Nat was cut off as a large spear shot out from the undergrowth just inches from her face, and buried itself deep into a tree across the clearing.

“Oh my word!” Captain Nat exclaimed. “That nearly took my head off!”

M-Chan already had her pistol drawn, “Show yourselves, you curs!”

Suddenly, they were surrounded by small brown bodies. Hundreds of little naked men, covered in red and brown dust, and holding deadly looking spears straight at the two intrepid explorers emerged from the forest like phantoms.

“We’re... we’re surrounded!”

“Steady now, old bean,” Captain Nat whispered. “Let’s not get off to a bad start with the locals.”
One of the minute men with rather deadly looking daggers in each hand strode forward and waved the blades menacingly in Captain Nat’s face.

“Chi’do juwigga k’wa’tch! Nopa! Nopa!”

“You don’t happen to speak Amazonia, do you?” M-Chan pointed her gun at their addresser. This provoked some more cries from their captors which set off the monkeys.

Captain Nat said something to M-Chan that was drowned out by the commotion. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and a loud bang and their would-be threatener was sitting on the ground, surprised.

M-Chan darted up the gangplank with Captain Nat hot on her heels. Spears, knives and darts smashed the glass of the port holes and punctured the canvas walls of the dirigible.

“Start the engines!” cried Captain Nat, as she swung the door shut.

M-Chan was already in the cockpit, priming the engines. With a low groan, the airship lurched forward, struggling against the undergrowth.

Bangs and thuds echoed around the cabin as the little red-brown men hurled themselves from the trees down onto the pontoons of the the airship. Leaning over the edge of the cabin’s roof, they banged on the glass, trying to claw their way in at M-Chan. Captain Nat took the emergency soda-acid extinguisher and gave them a face full of foam.

With a loud crack, the airship broke free of the vines and rose shakily above the canopy. The natives hooted and screamed and either leapt off or fell back into the forest below, while a volley of spears and arrows pelted the underside of the airship with loud pings.

“Get us higher!” Captain Nat shouted from the gangway.

“I can’t! We’re losing gas!” M-Chan shouted back.

Captain Nat stuck her head out of a port hole to look up at the helium sacks that held the airship suspended. Grinning back at her was a lone native still clinging to the airship, his dagger sliced through the thin walls of the pontoon.

“Aim for that river!” Captain Nat climbing back into the cockpit just as the starboard helium tank ruptured. The airship fell out of the sky towards the blue-green river cutting its way through the green below.

Immigrant Heritage

2011-02-01T22:01:00.004-05:00

When my farfar came to this land, this land of opportunity, as a young man, he had very, very little with him except his mustache and a kitten.

He worked very, very hard to bring money into his small family home and before he knew it, he was an old man with a beard and a cat.

This I will always remember, this I will never forget... for now I am young man with a kitten and a mustache.

kimchi - a fairly accurate poem

2011-02-01T21:56:00.001-05:00

shredded cabbage, red pepper paste
oh, a scented, divine-sent taste
that works so well with meat and beer
a flavor trio I hold quite dear.

I munch and chew my hearts content
best five dollars I ever spent
pickled joy, I truly heart
even if it makes me fart.

a evening of snacking delight
ends in a ghastly sight
and fills me with a sense of dread
the kimchi turned my poop bright red.

Lovecraftian Nine to Five

2011-02-01T21:51:00.004-05:00

Under the sway of the new universal fate, we grasped to find find solace against the bleak oblivion that ever loomed just moments away. We took refuge in our meaningless toils and trials, sought to ascribe meaning in our futile efforts, took comfort in the routine of our monotony.

A special blend of beans, spices and herbs from the southern continent kept us just alert enough to continue our beleaguered efforts. Some claimed his appearance changed nothing, that we were this way before his awakening. It was a hope to negate the overwhelming sorrow his rise heralded. And like all our hopes, this one was constantly and consistently dashed by his mere presence.

It wasn't until we were finally allowed to rest that we realized what magnitude of his arrival. We clutched to fits of black sleep. Our dreams. When he came, he took away our dreams. He took our dreams for himself.

I see him now, from my office. The child of the stars stands in the ocean, miles tall, the blood waters a froth of chaos around his feet. All fear and hope leave my face. My blood runs to ice water and I bleakly accept my fate to serve the elder god.

Monday morning is the first day of forever and I work for Cthulhu.

In my village, we tell the tale of Sun and Asparagus

2010-10-13T12:05:00.002-04:00

A very long time ago, before men hunted the animals, before the animals explored the earth, the Sun came down from the heavens and asked all the plant spirits for a favor.

The Sun asked all the plants to give a gift to the animals and to men, for animals and men were not as resilient as plants and the world can be a harsh and difficult place. The plants agreed to each give up a gift to the animals and men.

Carrot said that he would give the animals and men better vision to see in the night.

Apple said she would taste sweet and grow plentiful.

Orange said he would keep colds away with his juices.

Wheat and Berries said they would feed all the animals and keep their digestion steady.

And so the Sun had every plant promise to provide for the animals and the men, every plant promised to give a special gift. Then the Sun came to Asparagus.

Asparagus had nothing special to give to the animals and to men. She looked up to the Sun and wailed "No one will want my gift!"

"What gift do you have give to the creatures and the men of the world, Asparagus?" the Sun asked kindly.

The Asparagus thought for a very long time. Finally she suggested "I can make their, uh, fluids smelly."

"That's good enough!" the Sun smiled down on her. And with the last gift pledged by the plant spirits, the Sun rose back into the sky and shone her light down upon the world as animals and men appeared to explore the earth and eat the plants - including dear Asparagus - and grew strong and healthy with smelly pee.

And so that is how Asparagus gave animals and men the gift of smelly urine.

2010-10-13T12:00:00.004-04:00

I often associate the perception of the mechanics of the universe with the understanding of the divine plan. That is to say, to understand God, we must understand the world and beyond around us.

Immediately when thoughts of cosmology, physics, and theology cross my mind, I knee-jerk and instantly question my ability to grasp such lofty notions. To attempt to associate the history of existence as we perceive it with a faith based assumption of a higher authority's motivation or agenda is more than ambitious, it's presumptuous and therefore impossible to validate with any credible discourse. When discussing matters such as these, we must then be expected to presume some acquiesces - no matter the result of such a discussion, the nature of the results are immediately rendered invalid because of the impossible nature to validate them. That is the nature and crux of both theology and astronomy.

As ideas of comparing divinity to physics drum up in my imagination, I have to admit that they are rooted in a Judeo-Christian mind frame. My God is an Abrahamic god, and therefore most of my ideas of divine agenda stem from that faith based belief system. My system of physics, on the other hand, is completely grounded in observational science. All my scientific knowledge to date is based upon observational phenomenal. So as my understanding of theology is based on assumptive faith, I associate all my perceptions of physics in critical thought.

Immediately, the notion of reconciling the two schools of thought has become beyond the scope of this armchair philosopher. Yet as I shirk the notion of defending my initial thought to myself, I am struck with an inspiration:

It would be impossible to understand the divine scheme because of its sheer complexity so to even attempt to grasp a slight notion of how we fit into this scheme, we must look at its fundamental components. We must therefore look at the reactions and interactions of the smallest components of existence, the sub atomic forces at work within matter.

We have constructed the largest machines in the world to study the interactions of smallest particles we can possibly perceive. As we search for a grasp of grand scheme to existence, we try to understand why minute forces work with each other, and then we extrapolate backwards from there. It's a noble pursuit but ultimately fruitless because we have no way of perceiving if we indeed have found the most basic aspect of existence to start our extrapolations. We have no way of validating our ideas. In the end, an educated guess about observational phenomena carries the same credibility as a faith based assumption.

And so I daydream about the proof of the divine being hidden in the understanding of particle physics. Perhaps string theory and subatomic physics is another form of theology. Perhaps God is indeed hidden within an atom.

The Parsnip

2010-01-03T14:19:00.003-05:00

It was a surprisingly cool June evening as Chris sat at his computer, frustratedly attempting to follow up his success from the chicken wings story. He had a headache, his eyes hurt and his breath smelled of cheap beer.

"Why, why did I post that story on facebook?" he cried. His eyes fell from the blank computer screen onto his subject material. A large wet parsnip sat innocently on a plate beside his laptop. "You stupid vegetable! Why did I ever choose you? You're so boring!"

Chris leapt up from his chair and flung open the window. A cool breeze from Lake Ontario rushed into the room but did little to chill his temper. He grabbed and empty beer bottle and hurled out into the night.

He spun around and stormed back to the table where the parsnip sat silently. "You! You're so bland. I don't know what possessed me to make my grand follow up about something so boring as a root vegetable like you!" He picked up the parsnip and gave it a sniff. "Bah," he cried as he flung it back down onto the plate, "You're so disgusting!"

Chris turned again on his heel back towards the window, but as he spun around, he tripped over his chair and fell back against the table, cutting his forehead on the edge. The parsnip fell beside him and sat in a small pool of blood that streamed from his gash as Chris lay unconscious on the floor.

A few hours later, Chris awoke with a frightful headache. His head throbbed as he struggled to his feet. He accidently kicked the parsnip in his attempt to untangle himself from the floor and it went spinning into the middle of the room. The breeze from the lake had stopped and the air held an eerie calmness.

"Ooooh, that stupid parsnip." Chris groaned.

"I beg your pardon?" the parsnip replied.

"Who said that?" Chris stood up and looked around, surprised at the familiar voice.

"I did," said the parsnip.

"Who is there?" Chris asked nervous. "Show yourself?"

"It is I, the parsnip, your next and greatest story subject." said the parsnip, modestly.

Chris bent down to where the parsnip had landed. It was larger now, and pulsing with an energy. Chris picked up the parsnip.

"How are you talking like this?"

"I don't really know," answered the parsnip. "Perhaps when your blood spilled on me, your creative energy gave me a second chance at life since my uprooting."

"This is impossible! Parsnips don't talk!" Chris declared.

"You're right, sir, they don't!" the parsnip said.

"What did you say?"

"Sir, you've sustained an injury to your head, we're taking you to the hospital! Now will you please relinquish that potato your holding to me."

"I-Its a parsnip!" Chris said weakly.

"Yes, sir, parsnip... alright, we're going to take you into the emergency now! Everything is going to be alright!" the parsnip informed him.

"Everything is going to be alright, parsnip!" Chris smiled. "Everything is going to be alright!"

The Sound of Clapping

2010-01-03T14:18:00.004-05:00

I can no longer hear the applause. It is too painful for me to bear.

Tragedy has struck the arms of Christian W. A salient blow hath been dealt to me by gravity in the form of the ground. I curse the day I ever decided to nip out to the convenience store on the corner only to slip and fall after I tripped on a conspicuously inconspicuous curb.

I do not think the fall itself did the most lasting damage. No, I fell in front of some greasy middle aged man with a large mustache who then applauded my stumbling rather than rush to my rescue. With skin palms and bruised pride, I leapt to my feet immediately to regain some of the dignity gravity stole from me.

I made my purchase, collected my change and slunk away with wounded pride, indignant yet aware of the now swelling sensation in my wrists.

I sit now with a bowl of kraft dinner and a text for school but I don't feel like clapping. No applause for dinner or learning. It is too painful for me to attempt.

My imitation of a wind up monkey has been postponed indefinitely while I sit glum and alone without the ability to clap or even bend my wrists without wincing. More so, I feel defeated that someone so crass would just stand and laugh while I took a tumble. I feel so very uncharitable towards that mustached man with the greasy demeanor. I cannot say for certain but if the skies cleared, and I gazed upon the heavens in my lonesome and sullen mood, perchance to see a star, I would wish upon that star tonight for colon cancer for that man.

And even if my wrists are still stiff and painful tomorrow, would that I learned that the greasy man with his greasy mustache had contracted the most miserable form of death you can wish upon someone while gazing into the heavens, I would applaud.

For now, the skies are cloudy and the the man's colon is safe from my maline, so I sit alone with wrists bound in frozen vegetables, not clapping at all for that greasy mustached man.

Champion Champignon

2010-01-03T14:15:00.003-05:00

Champion Champignon was more than than your average fungi
Champignon the champion was a mushroom on whom you could rely
he was not very tall, nor was he very clever or smart
but every thing C-C tried to do, he did it from his heart
One day, C-C was all alone, avoiding the other produce
He was shy by nature, he was somewhat of a recluse
C-C heard a cry for help, he ran towards the sound
A shock of dismay crossed C-C's lips at the sight of what he found
Tomato, Bacon and Pepperoni were in a frightful mess
as toppings on a Canadian, sauced and in distress
"We cannot do this alone, Mushroom, we're in need of your aide
to finish off this pizza's topping as this pie is made!"
C-C hesitated, to be baked in a layer of cheese is scary
and italian cuisine is something which C-C was wary
But then he saw that he was important as part of the recipe
and finding courage in his flavor, he joined the toppings calmly
And baked in an oven for twenty minutes at 450 degrees
I enjoyed Champion Champignon covered in mozza cheese.

All you need in life is a ham sandwich and a resourceful cat

2010-01-03T14:14:00.002-05:00

Impressed by my successes as a wealthy gentleman, people have often wondered how I have come about my fortunes. It is really a bizarre and unbelievable story but people press me to tell it from time to time, usually after a couple drinks at a dinner party. Although no one ever believes my account, I must insist its only the truth about the strange happenstance which led to my introduction to fine society.

I did not always have fame and fortune, I was once a poor and lonely boy with only a ham sandwich to my name. I was, in my early years, a vagabond who drifted from town to town living on the charity of others in a retched existence. I was given the sandwich by a kind of lady for helping her stack some firewood in a village I had passed through. I was trying to preserve it for as long as possible, nibbling on it in minute amounts, as my stomach grew smaller and smaller.

Only a small portion of the sandwich was left as I dragged my heels along the road when I spied a small and painfully frail cat on the side of the road. It seemed to have collapsed from exhaustion, its black coat grayed from the dirt of travel, like my own clothes. I wanted to ignore its labored breathing but something deep inside of me took pity on the wretched creature. So I offered him the remains of my once wonderful ham sandwich.

With a mild suspicious he sniffed and then gobbled up the crumbs I had offered. He watched me warily as the strength returned to his limbs. He rose to his feet and gave himself a light shiver, shaking off the dust and restoring some of his coat's luster. He was not an ugly beast. He meowed quietly and studied me intently.

I told him he was very welcome and then continued on my way down the road. I am sure a cat like that would have more luck chasing mice in fields than traveling on the highways but after a couple moments I noticed that he was following me. I told him he should return from wherever he came but he kept chasing me down the road. He had the most peculiar and shrewd look about his muzzle.

I chose to ignore him and decided to head into a forest to find a big tree to spend the night in. When I awoke the next morning, the cat was sitting beside me with a pheasant in his mouth. He dropped the dead bird in my lap and then scrambled down the hill and back into the bushes. I called after him thanking him for the breakfast, cooked the pheasant and then continued on my way.

The day continued and the sun rose higher in the sky, the air grew hotter and thicker. I decided to find a creek and wash some of the dust off me and cool off in the noontime heat. I stripped down, washed and laid my clothes out on the grass by a nearby creek and then jumped in myself. The water was cool and clean and delicious and I swam around for a little.

As I was getting out of the creek, I saw the cat surreptitiously taking my clothes and fleeing. I leapt after the little black bandit and chased him naked through the woods and down the road until he disappeared into a thicket. There was nothing to do but continue my journey naked.

Embarrassingly, I continued along my way, cursing the notion of ever offering a piece of a ham sandwich to any starving cat again when to my humiliation, I ran into a caravan of merchants on the way to the palace.

Having explained that my clothes were stolen by a thief but omitting that the thief was feline, the merchants decided to take pity on me and dressed me in their wares provided I kept them clean and modeled them for the nobility. I agreed to borrow the clothes until I had the opportunity to get some of my own and we went into the city and up to the palace.

In the court, presented for the king, I was to parade about in all sorts of ridiculous outfits for the courtiers to admire. I felt ridiculous and humiliated and angry at both myself and that blasted cat who got the better of me. My face was hot and red as I put on yet another silly vestige. My stomach ached for yet another ham sandwich so I was in the foulest mood possible when I spied out of the corner of my eye the cat sitting proudly in one of the palace windows.

I screamed a blood curdling cry and gave chase, the cat ducking out of sight immediately. Everyone gasped in shock and horror at my outburst as I tore through the rooms of the palace after that mangy black menace. We twisted and turned through the hallways as he led me further into the palace away from the bewildered merchants.

Finally I found him, making a lunge at the door for the little monster, only to fall short at the feet of someone. Looking up and releasing a litany of curses, my eyes fell upon the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. The princess held the black cat in her arms and smiled down at me as my face grew even more red from embarrassment.

She asked me who the cat and I were so I blurted out everything that had happened in the last two days and how I had managed to invade her private chambers. She smiled and laughed politely at my ridiculous account as she pet the cunning little devil who sat in her lap, watching me with half closed eyes.

As I tried to excuse myself, the princess stopped smiling and looked infinitely sad. I wanted to ask her what the matter is but the cat prompted her story before I could find the words. The princess told me how her father was going to marry her off to an evil Ogre who lived to the north and had terrible magic powers. She was to go there the day after tomorrow and live with him as his prisoner bride to stop him from terrorizing the country side. Many brave heros had went and failed to slay this evil menace.

I was bitterly imagining that the ogre must've been related to the cat when I caught myself assure the princess that the cat and I would handle the matter. She looked amused but definitely not reassured. The cat jumped on to my shoulder - despite my protesting - and we set out to find the cave of the evil ogre, stopping in every place to ask for him.

I am not too sure what happened next but from the snippets I can string together from witnesses, the ogre found us first and had given me a swift thwack on the head as the cat fled.

I woke up chained to a stone as the ogre was trying light a fire. He informed me that he was very sorry indeed that the current ogre-slayer - me - was not very meaty for his supper. I asked him why he was going to eat me and he told me that that was just what ogres do. I thanked him for his candidness and asked why he hadn't lit the fire yet.

In an explosion of sound and smoke, he turned into a dragon and breathed fire onto the kindling, lighting the whole wood stack aflame. And then with more smoke and sound, he was back to his ugly ogre self. I told him I was very impressed.

We talked for a bit as he cut carrots and potatoes in which to garnish me. The ogre told me that he didn't like being a villain but you have to play to your strengths in life. I agreed though I never really knew what my strengths were. He laughed and the offered me one last demonstration of his power before he began cooking me.

I was morose, I did not want to end my adventures this way, in the belly of a pleasantly evil ogre. He saw my sad expression and tried to change himself into funny and amusing things to cheer me up before he dunked me in the pot. Nothing worked.

Finally he changed into a mouse with extra large ears and a crooked tail. His bizarre scurrying this way and that was so ridiculous that I could not help but crack a smile. he sat on his little mousey hind legs and chuckled with me.

Suddenly my old nemesis the black cat pounced down out of the shadows and gobbled up the mouse-ogre in an single bite. I was stunned into silence as the cooking fire crackled merrily.

Some time later, when the villagers had come to collect my remains from the polite and now deceased evil ogre, I was rescued. I returned to the palace lauded as a hero with the cat cooly resting on my shoulder. We were given treasures and land to live on - together, unfortunately - and became good friends with the princess even though she was promised away to yet another monster terrifying the King's land.

Now the cat and I have all the ham sandwiches we want though no one ever believes my account of how it came to pass. I guess all you need in life is a ham sandwich and a resourceful cat.

Yeah, so I am not telepathic after all, TTC Pooch

2010-01-03T14:13:00.002-05:00

This young man brought his large young dog onto the street car today and it was very unpleasant for the pooch.

We were going to dim sum, the ancient chinese practice of having old women scream food names at you, in chinatown and so we had to take the king street car with this young man and his large yet timid pooch.

The first thing I noticed about the dog was that his owner's leash was a large heavy chain. The links must've been an inch by two inches and very heavy for the young mutt. The dog was a mix of all the large and terrible breeds but sunk immediately to his belly when he entered the car, dragging the heavy chain behind him.

I was particularly hungry for old chinese ladies so I tried to ignore the puppy and read whatever I found laying around me. The dog however decided to crawl under his master's seat towards me in a weird panic as the street car continually lurched forward.

I put down my copy of last friday's metro to see the poor thing cowering before me with those big dumb eyes that seemed to plead Get me out of here, Mister!

Dog, I thought back, how are you transmitting your thoughts inside my mind?

Because, Mister, I am panicking right now. This street car is positively the worst experience of my life, he thought-replied.

Amazing! I've gained the ability to communicate with animals thanks to my comforting presence with this scared large dog. His owner was tugging on the over-sized chain, trying to haul the pooch off the car while we were engaged in telepathic communication.

Poor pooch did not want to leave me alone as he cowered under the seat in front of me. The owners friend finally got into the act and gave the dog a friendly shove with his left foot and the dog exited the street car onto a solid side walk, much to his relief.

Thanks for bring there, Mister, he mind-thanked me.

When I got to Roll San, I decided to give my new telepathic powers a try on the dim sum women and projected my mind into this elderly waitress. Miss, can I have a coke? I thunk her way.

蝦餃? 蝦餃? she thought back to me.

Damn... I really thought that would've worked.

Aquaman

2010-01-03T14:11:00.003-05:00

Of all the members of Justice League of America, I think the most tragic is Aquaman.

Born with blonde hair, he was abandoned by his superstitious people, only to be adopted by a dolphin family. His father was in actuality the wizard distant ancestor of the man they assumed was Aquaman's paternal parent and his mother was a mermaid of nobility. Not that that really mattered much to Aquaman because he was off living with the dolphins.

He was soon discovered by a lighthouse keeper and adopted into the human world. He couldn't really ever fit in with normal society since he had to keep refreshing himself in the ocean. His father eventually died and Aquaman (who had by then taken then name Arthur Curry) returned to living in the ocean full time and preventing various ocean related disasters.

Being of special ability in the comic book universe meant that immediately the talent get paired with a nefarious foe. Aquaman spent most of his time battling the most annoying villains ever - an underwater villain is very difficult to not take incredulously but Aquaman did have his share of perilous moments.

After saving the seven seas for the bazillionth time without thanks or reward, the Atlanteans who had left him alone as an infant finally accepted Aquaman as one of his own. He met a hot redheaded alien woman and the two of them started a romantic relationship. As he was reintroduced to the Atlantic high society that had previously shunned him, Aquaman discovered he was in fact the heir to the undersea thrown of Poseidonis, capital of Atlantis, but because of his blonde hair, they rejected his legitimacy to the crown.

So with his wife Mera and his plucky young sidekick, Aqualad, another deep sea dweller, Aquaman eventually battled his way into being crowned king. Life seemed pretty good. People respected the oceans, his villains started to be more serious as threats, he was king of a race of see dwelling superstitious jerks. Aquaman (who had been renamed Orin in the atlantean tongue) was a content and proud father.

But then Black Manta, one of Aquaman's cooky criminal counterparts, killed Aquaman's son and the poor heroes life went down the tubes. Depressed, Aquaman was habitually infidel with pretty much any woman who could swim. His wife Mera went nuts and left him for his evil brother from a different dimension with whom she mothered another son with the same name as Aquaman's dead child. He lost his hand to piraña while fighting a villain and replaced it with a hook. His adopted mother dolphin was then murdered leaving Aquaman without any loving parents.

Aqualad was killed but resurrected and then returned only to run off with Aquaman's current girlfriend. Another son, Koryak, was revealed from an inuit woman who was one of Aquaman's many flames. She was eventually killed and the son was always trying to usurp Aquaman's rule before being banished from Poseidonis. All the people abandoned the city and left Aquaman alone before the city was again attacked and destroyed.

Then finally, when nothing worse could happen, the entire city traveled to another dimension in time where they decided wizards are better rules and deposed Aquaman before returning him to their regular place in time and leaving him to die on a reef.

During all this, Aquaman was having problems on the surface too. The world did not recognize his authority over the seas or his political sovereignty. His Justice League co-members were often at odds with his opinions and he left the group several times. His villains became increasingly magical orient due to his association with his father/ancestor, the wizard Atlan. Despite Aqualad's return as the mage Tempest, he was increasingly bothered by the occult with little ability to combat it.

So Aquaman decided to quit. He stopped being a hero and stopped trying to get his thrown back and went to live by a lighthouse in ireland like where his adoptive human father lived. But fate would not grant Orin/Arthur peace. He was given a mystical water hand and charged with the care of the mystical Secret Sea which is the watery metaphor for the life force of the world which was good because Atlantis was completely destroyed and he had nothing else to go back to doing.

Part of San Diego was sunk by terrorists and the denizens were mutated using stolen DNA from Aquaman. He came to help them adjust to being ocean dwellers and figure out why they'd been made that way. Koryak, his banished other son, came back and they reconciled but then Koryak was killed in true Aquaman style immediately after their reunion.

To save Sub Diego as it was now renamed, Aquaman used the original bones from his replaced hand to cast a spell and forfeited his soul. He mutated into the Dweller of the Deep and lost all his memories. He charged a new man named Arthur Joseph Curry to replace him before being stabbed to death by his resurrected and mutated son Koryak.

So all in all, Aquaman has had a pretty unhappy life. All he wanted to do was swim with the dolphins and explore the seas but rather was forced into a life of tragic leadership and then cruel abandonment and betrayal.

The ocean is a rough place.

Fruit Loops Beauty

2010-01-03T14:10:00.003-05:00

Imagine in your mind's eye a scene of perfect tranquility within my kitchen. Sunlight creeps through the window slats warming the kitchen tiles were it warms the floor in segments as I groggily prepare my entry into the day: Breakfast.

A warm breeze flows through the apartment as the world collectives stretches their sleepy limbs and wiggle their toes to get the blood flowing. A meal as a passport to a wonderful and productive day.

The birds, earliest of risers or the bitter last before bed, already have been singing for hours, as the sun steadily creeps into the sky to burn away the dew of the previous night. Clouds shrink in terror at the thought of another clear blue sky.

I look at my meal, delighted that this is my introduction to another world of adventure. I clear the cobwebs from my voice with a throaty grunt and embrace the morning with a poem:

blessed confections of morning perfection
swimming in a sea of mother's nourishment
a thousand fruit flavored kisses on my tongue

Toucan Sam, we cannot, we must not
and yet your three nephews call me back
a thousand fruit flavored kisses on my tongue

circles of pink and yellow and green cremes
crystallization of sugary heaven in ikea dishware
I must have another bowl.

Twenty minutes later, I crash hard and headlong from my Icarus-bout with sugary milk. Damn you, Kellogs, I am going back to bed. I've got a headache.

Gold and Nickel

2010-01-03T14:09:00.002-05:00

It is said, I think by scientists, that all gold in the universe is formed when a star goes supernova. To think that one of the most sought after of elements is the product one of the greatest luminous events in the universe. A supernova will produce more radiant light energy than it's surrounding galaxy for the moment when it occurs. To think that materials are being rearranged to into a formation that defines what we know as gold.

Before the superheated dusts and gases and particles of elements began drifting in a organized manner around our young sun, this area that we call home was the remnants of a prior super nova. Something so very cataclysmic happened in the area that we call our solar system to produce the gold that we're now grounding out of the rocks in the earth with water and sand.

Gold is a wondrous material. It's malleable and ductile and lustrous. It's used in everything from solvents to dentistry, electronics to jewelry. It's a very impressive and highly coveted material. And it comes from space, like nickel.

Nickel's origins in earth are impressive as gold's origins but probably not as cataclysmic on the galactic scale. As with gold, all nickel was formed prior to the formation of our earth. As the gases filled with gold particles, dust and ice spun around the sun and cooled into a sphere, an ancient and enormous asteroid was hurtling towards us.

The chances of this asteroid hitting us were infinitesimally small and yet we collided with this chunk of extraterrestrial matter, causing the planet's surface to tear off into space around us forming our moon. The sheer magnitude of the force of the impact caused the sphere shape of the planet to become imbalanced and wobble around it's axis around the sun, creating a system of seasons.

The material within the rock exploded with the force of an incalculable atomic blast driving materials high up into the still acidic and toxic atmosphere, blanketing the earth in dust and silt materials while even more were blasted towards the hot and liquid iron core of the planet, causing ripples within the molten rock surrounding the core which in turn ruptured volcanoes spewing dense magma mixed with minerals up onto the less dense surface of this ravaged new born planet. Within those elements that collided with the planet was nickel, so all the nickel mined from the earth is in fact not originally from the space debris that initially formed our globe.

Nickel is not nearly as coveted as gold is but it's applications range in a similar variety. Nickel is used in combination with other elements to form alloys such when paired with iron to form steel.

Since time immemorial, we have coveted these elements. Nickel and gold are two prized elements that have been sought after since man developed metallurgy: the manipulation of metals into tools and weapons. There is not a moment in history that gold has not been desired, its a symbol of prosperity. Our want of a better understanding of these two metals began with alchemy eventually lead to the creation of the modern science of chemistry.

Gold and nickel: to create such elements from conjuring would have radically altered our understanding of the world. Madmen, wizards, sages, and kings all sought the understanding and creation of these two elements. Some for profit, some for pride, but all wanted to unlock the secrets that these two metals held.

Unfortunately for the alchemists of history, the secret to create these two elements from lesser materials could not be discovered on earth, but rather held their origins from the celestial heavens.

2010-01-03T14:07:00.005-05:00

Immortality is interesting.

Stabbing short swords and throwing long spears as he charged a sandy beach in the mediterranean, would Agamemnon wonder if he and his greeks would be remembered for thousands of years?

History remembers him for being the leader of the Greeks during the Trojan War who returned home victorious only to be murdered by his wife Clytemnestra and her lover Aegisthus, whom she had taken up with while he was off sacking the city of Tory.

They say that Clytemnestra was more than a little miffed at her husband when he left for Tory because he sacrificed their daughter Iphianassa to the gods for favorable winds. So she found solace in the arms of Aegisthus. Clytemnestra eventually was in turn killed by Orestes. Orestes was more miffed at his mother's parricide than his father's sacrifice. Orestes and Iphainassa were apparently not very close.

All of this would not have happened if a Trojan prince named Paris (who had never actually been to Gaul) ran off with Agamemnon's brother Menelaus's wife Helen. Helen was very good looking and Paris had just had an ordeal with the gods which resulted Aphrodite promising him Menelaus's very good looking wife, so he went to Greece and collected her.

Menelaus was unimpressed and Agamemnon was aching for a war, so the two called all of the guys who Helen had previous rejected together. One of them was a crafty little man called Odysseus. Before Helen married Menelaus, she was very popular with the men of Greece. Odysseus had made all of Helen's potential suitors promise to come to the aid of the man she eventually would marry should he ask them. So when Paris ran off with Helen over his shoulder, Menelaus got a lot of support to go get her back.

Odysseus had put the scheme together while courting Helen so he could get Menelaus's aid in courting another woman, the ever patient Penelope.

So Agamemnon and his friends which included many notable Greeks like Ajax and Achilles, sailed off to go pick a fight with Troy under the pretense of getting the very good looking Helen back. Some say Helen went willingly with Paris while others say he had carried her off against her wishes while others say she never even got to Troy, being side tracked in lovely and sandy Egypt. Regardless of where she ended up, Helen eventually returned to Menelaus and Paris ended up killed in glorious battle.

Actually, a lot of people died in glorious battle during the Trojan War. Each side had their champions who were favored by the gods as the Olympians manipulated their warriors like chess pieces. The Greeks won but not without heavy costs and all the greatest warriors' names are remembered as heroes for ages to come.

Except for Odysseus, Agamemnon and Menelaus who all lived after the war. Menelaus returned home happy and victorious with his beautiful wife Helen who apparently was over the now defunct Paris. Odysseus eventually got around to going home where Penelope was waiting patiently for him. And Agamemnon returned to the waiting arms of of the unimpressed Clytemnestra.

To be remember as the man who tumbled the walls of Troy only to be murdered at a banquet by his vengeful wife upon his return. Would Agamemnon, who had shed so much blood on the battlefield, find it ironic that he'd meet his end at the dinner table. A man who rubbed shoulders with Achilles, the grandson of Poseidon and Odysseus, cursed by the gods to never return home - although he eventually did - after the Trojan war, would have Agamemnon found it humorous that his legacy is now to be remembered primarily as a victim of domestic intrigue?

They say the moral of the story is the old saying "beware of Greeks bearing gifts" as a metaphor for not being to readily trusting your enemies but I think I've gleaned something a little more poignant: If you're going to go out, don't leave with your wife pissed off at you.

my friend, jonathan livingston

2010-01-03T14:07:00.004-05:00

hark as yon seagull squawks
eager to resume it's talks
between meager bites of moldly grain
left out in the morning rain
distracts me from my current task
so to stick out my head and politely ask
if it were not that kind of day
when all the seagulls should just go away.

Lapins Poussière

2010-01-03T13:59:00.002-05:00

"Chris, You are a filthy little boy!" people would exclaim.

But Chris was also a very lazy boy. He spent his time sleeping rather than tiding up and so his room was a filthy mess. Piles of clothes were heaped into corners, his dresser had an inch of grime on it and a broom hadn't touched his floor since before he could remember.

One night, while Chris was snoring away on his bed in his filthy room, something brushed past his hand. He woke up with a start of surprise and looked around in the darkness. Nothing.

He fell back down onto his greasy pillow. It was probably just a dream. He began to drift back to sleep when he heard a rustling sound in the darkness. A sound of something scurrying around. The sound was coming from underneath his bed.

He jumped off his bed and pick up a flashlight. Shining a light underneath, he was met with a surprise. Two black eyes, a pink nose and and two long floppy ears stared back at Chris from underneath the bed.

Dust bunnies!

Chris grabbed a stick and poked at the bunny, trying to get it out from underneath his mattress. The bunny just hopped further under the bed, out of reach of the stick and stared back at Chris with his little beady black eyes.

Chris decided he could not live with dust bunnies under his bed. They would keep him up all night as they root through his piles of smelly socks and used underwear for food. He had to get rid of them.

He set up traps, he waited with food by the edge of the bed, he even sprayed coca-cola under the bed but nothing would drive the dust bunnies away. They kept him up all night with their scurrying around. He was at his wits end.

Suddenly Chris realized the only way to get rid of dust bunnies is to clean his room. With a reluctant sigh, he tied an apron around his waist, grabbed a mop and dust pan, set to work. It was long and arduous and Chris had to take many breaks, all under the watchful eye of the dust bunnies.

Finally his bedroom gleamed, spic and span with all the serious cleaning he had done. He looked under the bed. No beady little black eyes stared back at him. No floppy ears or pink nose or sounds of rustling.

Chris took off his apron and dumped the mop and dustpan in the corner of his room, he flopped onto his bed for a good solid nap. As he snored contentedly away, his arm fell off the bed onto the floor, as a little thing with beady eyes and floppy ears scurried out of the way.